I’m avoiding things. I’m not procrastinating, of course not. I’m simply avoiding. I’m doing things that are easier, things that I don’t have to think about, things that involve automatic doing, not things that require me to switch my brain on. Actually, it’s less about switching my brain on, because it’s definitely on, as evidenced by the fact that I‘ve hardly slept in a week and I’m waking up at 5.30am with thoughts zinging through my head. My brain is on and the command console is ablaze with lights, it’s just that it’s switched to the wrong mode. I’m in doing mode, also known as Busy mode, Preoccupied mode, Flat-Chat mode, Can’t-Sit-Still-For-A-Minute mode, Running-On-Adrenaline mode and Pusher mode, depending on who’s doing the describing. But, whatever the title of the mode, it’s a mode that doesn’t allow creation. Not creation from scratch, anyway. Things like writing, playing piano, painting, anything arty at all, are all a big no-no when I’m in this mode. And it’s so difficult to switch off.
I got out of bed at 6.15 this morning, after lying in bed for nearly an hour trying to convince my thoughts to shut the <beep> up and let me go back to sleep. I did the whole bossy thing: “who’s in charge here, thoughts, me or you? Wrong, it’s me. Now, be quiet and let me go back to sleep.” Didn’t work. I tried the airy-fairy relax-and-allow-the-thoughts-to-slide-by-without-giving-them-any-energy thing. Nope. I went for the okay-then-if-you-can’t-beat-them-join-them approach and tried to inject the thoughts that I wanted to think about. That’s when I wondered what the hell I was doing and decided to get out of bed.
My intention, top of the list of things to do today, sole thing on my tick list… actually, I tell a lie, there’s a ton of things on my unofficial tick list but I’m not looking at it until I’ve completed my official tick list which consists of one thing: write an article. That’s all: just write an article. Not a big ask, I can hear you thinking. Well, that’s what I thought, too. In fact, it’s what anyone would think after viewing my FB page or website, really. You know, a thought like, “this chick has got a lot to say” is fairly accurate, so the expectation that I could write an article at the drop of a hat is entirely understandable.
And completely laughable right now.
My pushing, can’t-sit-still-for-a-minute, got-a-million-things-to-do-right-now mode doesn’t allow creation. It only allows actions towards specific goals. So, things like cooking are okay, writing an article about how to save money is okay, but writing an article that’s more story-based is a definite no-no. Not going to happen. I even found myself thinking “Well, nothing interesting has happened to me lately, anyway” and we all know what a big, fat lie that is because my life is one big “Holy cow, why is it always me?” and I like it that way, it makes for an interesting story, so to pretend that nothing of any note has occurred in my recent history is just plain silly (and as I wrote that, I found myself sitting there with my arms folded, going over recent weeks and coming to the conclusion that no, nothing interesting has happened lately. Lol).
What’s happened in the last few weeks is that I’ve had my two beautiful daughters to stay, we’ve had heaps of mother-daughter bonding time, we’ve watched Avengers End Game, torn apart the participants on Bachelor in Paradise, built ten gazillion pins for my articles and put them on Pinterest, taken lots of videos and some photos and generally lounged around and chatted and gossiped and caught up with each other, with the occasional inclusion of John, particularly around Bachelor in Paradise times (he’s the avid viewer of that, believe it or not, the rest of us watch it so we can spend some time with him!).
Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow, I not only get my hair done, something that I’m very much looking forward to, I also have to go to the Post Office and send to the girls all the things they left behind, plus our microphone and green screen will arrive so we’ll have a ‘professional’ YouTube setup for our Stop Being So Poor channel (if you haven’t seen any of those videos, go here to watch them and subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc38TYZsowllDeKfcI46ZOA) , and, on top of all that, we start a personal development program, which I’m very excited about. I also have to send of my BAS return, and it will be late. Again. Bugger. And do the bookkeeping. And get the SEO info onto my blog posts. And get all the bedding and towels washed after the girls & their guests left. And pay some bills. I need to do some shopping. I wouldn’t mind going up to Harbour Town for some new gym gear. Oh, and there’s all the school forms that Keeley’s reminded me that I haven’t sent in yet. Urgh, and I have to call the builder and get that money back. The next article for Vivia Maridi needs doing this week, too. I’d better get an email out, too; god knows when I last sent one. Okay, better get into doing a few things now…
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Hi! I’m Karen O’Connor, hormonally-challenged, menopausal writer, blogger, self-confessed sarcasm enthusiast, mother of 4, wife of 30 years, destroyer of souls... no, wait, that's just in the mornings...
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