I have a Facebook Group called Financial Independence: It's All About The Attitude. If you're not a member, go and request to join because there's some seriously good stuff in there to help you on your path to financial independence. And now there will be EVEN MORE things in there because...
There are two new contributors to the group!
I am no longer coaching or mentoring in any form. I will be blogging and my website is slowly becoming the hub that I want it to be. My focus from here is to CONNECT people with the resources & support they’re looking for and, true to form in my life, stuff has happened since I put the article/message out.
I’ve met a lot of coaches / mentors / authors / experts in the last few years who know an awful lot of stuff and who provide the most incredible support & who are committed to making a difference in the world in all sorts of ways - health, fitness, financial, personal development, mental health, relationships, business, real estate, spiritual, emotional, and so many others ways – and my website will provide an easy connection to them for other people. In talking to some of these other people, it became obvious that I can still provide the kind of education to this group that I’m committed to providing without actually doing it myself (duh!). To that end, I approached two friends and asked them if they’d like to get involved and they jumped at the chance. Tamsin Young and Merryl Seibert both have decades of experience in off-line coaching and both are newbies at the whole Facebook thing. Jumping into this group is a win-win for all of us, for sure. Over the next few days/weeks, you’ll see more stuff from them in the group plus I’ll still be around, too.
I’ve also created my own social network platform! In other words, I have my OWN version of Facebook on my website! How cool is that? I feel uncomfortable on Facebook for several reasons: the lack of notifications, weird things appearing on my newsfeed and the amount of ads, among other things. So, I’ve established my own social network and it literally works like every other social network: you log in, there’s a newsfeed/homepage, there are groups, photos, videos, you can friend people, unfriend them, message them, whatever. The advantages are huge: no one is listening to you, no one is deciding what you do and don’t see, you can post without fear of all your extended family and vague acquaintances seeing what you’re writing. Over the next few months, a number of the coaches & experts that I know will be establishing their own pages & groups on the network so the resources on there will keep on growing. I’m not suggesting that we all go on there instead of Facebook, but it is a safe, closed, protected space that will allow us more freedom of expression.
Click here to request to join: http://www.social.karenoconnor.net
I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this, let me know.
“If I ask people for money, they won’t like me”
This interesting little gem has just come up for me. And I’m working my way through the massive implications. It’s very, very interesting. I’ve done lots of money exercises before but this one has never come up for me.
Here’s the exercise for today: grab a pen & paper. Think back over your life and write down all the incidents that you can think of that happened for you around money. Not just the things you thought, the actual incident and all its details. For example, I went into the kitchen and asked Mum for some money. She said “If you can find any money in my wallet, you can have it” and there was no money in her wallet. I remember feeling really sad for mum and really horrified that there really wasn’t a single penny in her purse. Not one. Or, Listening to dad talking about how his business partner had taken all their products and the money and how he was left with nothing from all that hard work again. It was the “again” that really hit home for me.
Really get present to the incident and where you were, what you were doing and what you felt. We know what our money stories are when we start doing a little digging, but really getting present to the actual incident can quite often open up an entirely new world of things.
So your mission today, should you choose to accept it is to dig DEEP.
Let me know how you go. Remember, it’s all about the attitude
We all are, connected to our higher selves. You can call it intuition, inner knowing, the universe or god, whatever works. It’s that flow of energy that is found in everything. It’s always there; when we’re in that flow, we know that we are safe and you can do anything at all and it will go as it’s meant to and it will work out perfectly, even if the outcome isn’t quite what we’d expected.
There are no mistakes when we’re in the flow, we can’t do anything wrong.
It’s kind of like being in that make believe world we had as children where we could do anything we set our minds to and nothing could ever go wrong and we were always in control and everything always worked out perfectly even when it didn’t go as we planned.
That’s what being in the flow is like.
We’re meant to live like that; we’re meant to live as powerful beings, but our minds get in the way. Our minds tell us that we’re not connected to everyone else, we’re separate, and other people are dangerous.
Our minds tell us that mistakes are wrong and bad and we need to avoid making them or other people will think we’re really stupid.
Our minds tell us that we have to be better than other people in order to succeed.
We live our lives from a space of what the mind tells us
So, we miss what our higher self is trying to tell us; we miss those intuitive nudges that move us in the direction we’re meant to go in even when it seems to be heading in a different way to the one we thought we ought to go. We miss the little synchronicities that are meant to be the road markers for the path that our higher self is trying to guide us along
Because we can bet our bottom dollar that the path our higher self will take us on will be the quickest and most beneficial one for us, in more ways than we can possibly imagine!
Instead, we get little nudges to ‘take the next left turn’ for example, or to call someone we haven’t seen in ages and before we know it, something completely unexpected has happened. It’s like hitting a ladder square in snakes and ladders: we bypass three rows of squares and get catapulted forwards.
Now, can you remember how you feel when that happens in snakes and ladders, when you’re way behind everyone else then you land on a ladder square and all of a sudden, you’re in first place, way AHEAD of everyone else?
You feel amazing: light, happy, gleeful, joyous.
That’s how we’re meant to feel. We’re MEANT to feel happy, joyful, excited, safe, loved ALL THE TIME.
We’re meant to live our lives IN THAT FLOW of energy.
But to do that, we have to quieten the mind down to the point where we can hear those intuitive nudges.
That’s not always easy: the mind can be quite vocal about being heard, to say the least.
Doing something physically strenuous will usually get our mind to calm down and shut up. Yoga & meditation do the same for some, journaling does it for others. Find a practise that you follow daily to help calm your mind to the point where you can at least HEAR the nudges from your intuition.
And then, FOLLOW those nudges! Now you can hear them, FOLLOW THEM! Don’t ignore them!
When we get one of those nudges, it’s like landing on the ladder square: take advantage of it... we may end up somewhere completely unexpected and much better than where we’d originally planned!
Have you noticed that wishing for something doesn’t mean you get it? Or that no matter how many affirmations you do, you still don’t get what you want? Or how dreaming about winning the lottery or coming into an unexpected & huge amount of money doesn’t make it happen? And have you ever wondered why?
It’s really simple: you’re not an energetic or vibrational match for what it is you’re wishing for.
That might sound really woo-woo to you but if you can grasp this concept, you’ll understand what it is you need to do to get everything you want. This is quite possibly the most important thing you can do in your life.
I was watching a TV program called “Escape to the Continent” last week about English couples wanting to move to mainland Europe. The TV show asks them what kind of place they want and where and they go and help them find it. This particular couple wanted somewhere in France and a joke was made about how their ultimate dream was to own a French Chateau; wouldn’t that be just amazing?
They were an average income, run-of-the-mill couple from northern England, who’d worked hard and saved up all their lives, they wanted a place with spare rooms or villas that they could maybe rent out in the holiday season and earn a bit of an income from them.
As they’d requested, dreamed of, wished for, one of the places they were taken to look at as a potential purchase was…
A beautiful chateau that had been turned into a 6-bed B&B that gave a nice little income.
What do you think their reaction was?
The husband loved it, the wife was horrified. She could hardly stand to walk around the place because there was the possibility that she might own it. She might dream of it, but when faced with the physical reality of that possibility, it just wasn’t for her. At all. She couldn’t wait to get out of the place.
She wasn’t a vibrational/energetic match for that kind of display of wealth.
Someone I know had built her business to the point where she could afford to fly first class. It had been her dream for years, being able to afford to fly first class meant all sorts of things to her: she’d made it, her money troubles were over, she was successful, whatever else.
She hated every minute of being in first class. She couldn’t settle, she couldn’t sleep, she felt like she was being a nuisance, she felt like she didn’t belong there.
Despite all the dreams & visualising, she simply wasn’t a vibrational/energetic match for being in first class.
What you can receive, what you can have, doesn’t change instantly just because you want it to. I mean, it probably can, but it’s highly unlikely; it’s something we have to work our way up to. It’s like going to the gym; it’s very difficult at first and slowly, we work our way up to a point where we can’t imagine being as unfit as we were when we started. That’s how this works. Just because you can’t do bicep curls with 10kgs on your first day at the gym, doesn’t mean you’re never going to be able to do bicep curls with 10kgs. It’s about practise.
And so is getting wealthy.
The step between living in a semi-detached house in northern England and a chateau in France was too big.
The step being flying economy (coach) and the luxury of first class was too big.
It’s about training and increments. It’s about practise and learning how to do things differently. If you went to the gym and tried to do bicep curls with 10kg weights on your first day, you’d probably strain something, and even if you didn’t, you’d be too sore to lift anything for a good few days, right?
It’s the same with getting the things we want in our lives. I’m talking specifically about money here, but it applies to everything else. It’s the reason why most lottery winners either go broke or they can’t cope with the wealth and their lives break down: they’ve gone in the gym and done 10kg bicep curls on the first day and they can’t cope with it.
Wow, that was a good analogy! Sometimes, I impress myself!
But if you work at it, regularly and diligently, as you would if you were going to the gym, pretty soon, you WILL become a vibrational match, and the things you want WILL come into your life.
And it might not all come at once in every area of your life. I have absolutely no problems walking into a Maserati showroom and checking everything out. I have no problems saying to the sales person, “Don’t bother telling me about the lower prices, I just want top of the range. If I’m going to get a Maserati, I’m going to get the top one.”
I actually did this when my Dad was over a couple of months ago. Our local shopping centre had a Maserati display and my Dad – who’s a motorbike enthusiast – was wow-ing at the cars. I’m not impressed by cars or bikes, so they hold no intimidation for me; I’m just not interested in them. Mainly so Dad could get to look at the cars, I wandered over and started chatting to the sales person about the cars and getting them to show them to me. My Dad didn’t really come along with me, he hung back and checked out everything from a distance: he was intimidated, and they weren’t a vibrational match.
Now, while I can test try very expensive cars with no compunction, I get quite confronted when I go into the likes of Louis Vuitton or Gucci. I’m not a vibrational match with them yet.
I can actually feel that one coming closer, though. It’s an interesting thing to observe, watching your vibration change from where it was to where you want it to be. I can also feel it changing with regards to income. I’ve said before that one of the things that I’ve struggled with is creating income myself. I can get other people to create massive income – John, friends, clients – but creating it myself is an entirely different matter. But I can feel it shifting, I’ve let go of some beliefs (I can’t, I’m not good enough, rich people are not nice, asking for money is somehow rude) and they’re being replaced with “I allow myself to receive” and “I experience abundance for myself, in my own right”. I can feel that change happening.
99% of getting wealthy and staying wealthy – financial independence – is all in the mind. It’s mindset work. It’s not the practical, day-to-day money management stuff, it’s all about how you think and changing that vibrational energy. It’s about working at it constantly, daily, building up that muscle until you’re comfortable with what you want and you’re a vibrational/energetic match for it.
Otherwise, you might get what you ask for and be so confronted/scared by it that you run in the opposite direction; the woman who’d talked about owning the chateau decided not to move to France at all. That would be so sad.
Just keep working at it, daily. And notice the differences. What differences can you feel in what you’re vibrationally aligned to? Has this article lit any lightbulbs for you? Has it given you an A-HA moment? I’d love to hear.
I’m a bit of a daredevil. At least, I don’t think I am, but other people seem to think I am. We had the opportunity on a cruise recently to do “adrenaline” activities on the ship such as flying fox, rock climbing, standing right in the bow of the ship like Kate Winslett in Titanic, and walking the plank (!). To be honest, it was one of the things I was looking forward to the most about the cruise and the absolute first thing I booked us onto.
I say “us”; John wasn’t at all impressed that I’d booked him in for all these sessions, too. He just wanted to chill and relax and not do much.
There was so much that I got out of doing these activities that I probably have a dozen articles that I can write about it!
I’m not physically brave. I am at a distance, it looks like good fun, but when it comes down to the actual moment where I’m required to do it, I stand there, shaking in my boots. Quite literally if it involves heights.
And pretty much every one of these activities involved heights. What was I thinking when I booked myself on for this stuff?
Take Walking The Plank, for example. It starts on deck 15 – the top deck, a good 50m above sea level, and it's as windy as all hell up there. Despite the howling gale whipping around you, threatening to pluck your body from the relative safety of a solid deck under your feet, you then have the opportunity to climb up another couple of metres on to a platform, making your way over two pokey-out bits whilst hanging on for dear life by one arm. Following that little adrenaline rush, you then go for the actual event: you screw up your courage (and maybe your eyes) and you walk away from the dubious security of the tower that you've just climbed, away from the security and safety of deck 15, and out along a plank that’s maybe 20cms (8 inches) wide, out over deck 14, 3 or 4 metres below, possibly waving to the people below, who are watching you and cheering you on, quite obviously ecstatic because it's not them doing it, and then carry on walking along this narrow metal board till you’re out, out, out, beyond the side of the ship. And then, because just walking along the narrow metal plank isn't enough, you get to turn around and lean back, throwing your arms wide, pretending you're not about to poop your pants and trying to look cool for the photos and the audience below.
If you really are cool, and not living in desperate terror of heights, you can look down to the ocean, heaven knows how many metres below.
I didn’t manage to look down. I don’t think I even looked at Deck 14 on the way past; I just kept my eyes on that plank. Then, when the plank ran out, I fixed my sights firmly at the rope that was my only link to life
In these days of regulation, insurance and massive emphasis on safety, there was literally ZERO danger involved. I was held on by two separate ropes and a howling gale accompanied by 10 metre swells couldn’t have shifted me off that plank, which is exactly what it felt like.
But that’s not what the mind thinks. What my mind was telling me in no uncertain terms was that I was in APPALLING danger, I should get the **** down right now and what kind of idiot was I to do this in the first place. I was terrified, and no amount of logical reasoning could do anything about that. I shook my way up that tower and along the plank and carried on shaking for a fair while afterwards. I could have quite happily lay down and kissed the deck when I got down from the tower but I wanted to look at least a little bit cool.
The REALITY was that I was completely safe.
MY reality told me that I was in extreme danger.
Everything that was going through my mind screamed the fact that I was about to die, EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS NO WAY THAT I COULD… unless I had a heart attack or something. But that would have been caused by my own fear not an actual danger. There was no danger. My perception told me that there was, the reality is that there wasn’t.
But what about the height? The wind? The rocking of the ship?
They’re all there, they all exist, but did they put me in any danger? No, not in reality. In my mind, oh my god, yes, they did put me in massive danger,
But just because my mind says something is true, doesn’t mean it IS true.
The point I wanted to get across to myself was that just because my mind is SCREAMING something is true, doesn’t mean it actually IS true.
It’s a matter of trust. Did I trust the instructor who’d just shown how easily it could be done? Did I trust the ropes? Did I trust the fact that, let’s be honest, no insurance company would let anyone do anything that would put them in real danger, right?
So, I did it. I walked the plank.
In my life, in all our lives, our minds will try to keep us out of danger, try to keep us safe and secure. Most of the time we listen to that advice and a lot of the time, it’s good advice. But what happens is that the more we listen to our mind, the more power it has over us. When we listen once, the next time it tries to advise us it reminds us about how it kept us safe last time. Until eventually, we listen to only our minds.
Eventually, we believe that what our mind tells us is the absolute and only truth.
And we live our lives according to what our minds tell us. No matter how much proof there is that we’re safe, like with walking that plank, how many people wouldn’t even CONTEMPLATE doing it? I can totally understand why they wouldn’t, by the way; I hate heights. But if we want something different to what we’ve got now, we’re going to have to do something that the mind is really uncomfortable with. And our mind is going to let us know that we’re in mortal danger in no uncertain terms. It’s highly likely that we’re going to have a physical reaction to it, too.
Our minds are designed to keep us safe; they DO keep us safe. But they also keep us locked in one place, somewhere familiar and predictable.
And you know how the saying goes… “If you want something different, you’re going to have to do something different”
If we want our life to be different, we’re not going to be able to do what we’ve done so far, we’re going to have to do & be something different.
And it’s going to be scary.
It’s probably going to be terrifying.
Our mind will scream about how much danger we’re in.
But just remember, we can find the support (groups, programs, books, seminars, etc), we can find the knowledge, we CAN move beyond our fears, we want something different.
And if we want something different, we have to DO something different.
What’s the plank that you’re going to have to walk?
I’ve always felt that I’m much more physically brave than I am mentally; I’ll do this kind of walking-the-plank thing, but I find it much more difficult to be brave in other areas of my life. I’ve helped so many other people create wealth in their lives, including my husband, but I’ve never done it myself FOR myself; I always put someone else in front of me and hide behind them.
This blog thing is just me, I can’t hide. And it’s terrifying. I can tell you right now that I’m walking a plank, 15 decks or more up.
I have support. I have a great mentor, I have great coaches, I have the knowledge, I have the skills to do this. I’m in no real danger.
But all that doesn’t mean that I will do it, though. My mind is screaming that I’m in TERRIBLE danger and that I ought to stop right now and just carry on letting John be the front man while I hide in the background and direct things from there. That’s familiar, it’s comfortable and safe. Where I am right now and what I’m doing is most definitely NOT safe, not to my mind.
But the more I do it, the more familiar it will become and the safer I’ll feel.
The more wealth I create in my own right, the more familiar it will feel and the safer I’ll feel, until I feel comfortable doing it.
But I have to go through the whole terror stage first. It’s a bummer.
So, what’s YOUR plank? What is it that you really want to do but are terrified of doing because you’ve never done it before? Or you’ve done it before and it didn’t go well?
That’s the worst bit for me: trying and “failing”. Especially “failing” publicly. I don’t make mistakes, I FAIL. At least, that’s what my mind tells me, lol. And if I FAIL, that means all sorts of dreadful things, as you can probably imagine.
What about you?
Let me know
We can budget, we can manage, we can learn how to make extra money, we can work two, three or four jobs, we can scrimp & scrape, count the pennies, work smarter not harder...
But until we take control of the thoughts that are running around in our heads, we are NEVER going to be wealthy or financially independent. Never.
Getting to financial independence, financial freedom, wealth, rich, living a life of freedom and choice...
...is 90% in our minds. It's literally all about the attitude.
The other 10% is in our daily actions.
Where do you put your focus? Maybe it's time to put the effort elsewhere...
It's all about the attitude!
I just went for a massage with an amazing, intuitive lady. Man, it hurt. She suggested that I take a little time out to do NOTHING. Umm, that’s a little outside my field of expertise. Doing things, I’m very good at. Doing NOTHING… Nope. Never done that. I am a serial expert. I’ve never specialised in anything. I’ve tried, oh my word, how I’ve tried. I’ve tried to focus, to be a master of something, to be top of my field in something. I can’t stay interested for long enough. Over my life, I’ve learned how to be a swimming coach, a synchronised swimming judge (and coach), an exceptional cook (thanks to Katrina Ruth for pointing that out because I had no clue even though people have been telling me the same thing for years! I just wasn’t ready to hear it), a pretty awesome mum, a loyal friend, an author, an amazingly perceptive & persistent coach, a manager, a systems expert, an entrepreneur, a successful blogger, a font of diet & fitness knowledge, a dressmaker, a clothes designer, an organisational genius (you should see my pantry!), the list goes on and on. Learning new things is second nature to me; it’s not confronting… well, not much, anyway, and I pick up the new skills very, very quickly because I’ve had so much practise at starting new things.
Am I an expert in starting up an online business? You betcha.
Am I an incredible swimming coach? Definitely. You should see the butterfly of the kids that I’ve taught.
Am I an enticing & clear communicator & writer. I like to think so, yep.
Could I explain to you in great detail how to start a blog? Sure could.
Could I show you how to make your own skincare products & explain about the different skin & body types? Absolutely.
Could I talk to you about health & wellbeing in a way that you’d understand and make you want to change what you eat? Probably (though that’s a tricky one; I could definitely talk to you about diets and stuff, just not so sure whether you’d actually do anything about it!)
Could we have a coaching session where I’d be able to hear EXACTLY what your beliefs and blocks are? I’D LOVE TO! And yes, I’m bloody good at it, it’s one of my Superpowers!
There are a lot of people who get to my age (50-something) who feel that because they haven’t specialised, they can’t create any kind of life for themselves, they can’t go back into the workforce, they can’t really move forward in life; they’re just stuck. And I’m not pointing the finger at anyone or making random remarks here, I’m saying it because that’s where I was, and where I still retreat to, if I’m not careful.
We’re all different. There is definitely a place for the specialists in life, but there’s also a place for us multi-skilled serial experts, too, because, if there’s one thing we do really well, it’s learn FAST. We’re so used to doing new things, we become experts in an unbelievably short space of time.
PLUS, because we’ve done so many things, our experience is much, much wider ranging than any specialists’ would ever be. And we can apply all that knowledge to everything else we do. We can think outside the box because we tend to live outside the box. We’re not used to working within defined parameters because we’re always on the move, doing new things.
So, if you can relate to this, DO NOT DISCOUNT YOURSELF. Your experience is INVALUABLE because it’s so wide-ranging. Now, if that’s the case, if you’re not at the disadvantage that you thought you were, what does that open up for you? If you actually have the perfect experience for any number of things – and we both know that you do – what are you going to do next?
NOTE: I am NOT asking you ‘what are you going to do for the rest of your life’. I’m asking you what you’re going to do NEXT; the immediate future, the next six-twelve months? What new skill are you going to become an expert in next?
That’s the real question to be asking yourself: what next?
Remember: it’s all about the attitude.
PS Don’t forget to tell me what you’d love to do next.
Your job is okay, but you’re left feeling a little ‘meh’ about the way your boss treats their staff.
Your health is okay, but you know you really ought to cut out the chips and the cake and quite possibly all the wine that you seem to go through. And maybe exercise a little more.
Your relationship with your partner is fine, and I don’t mean ‘fine’ in an amazing sense, I mean it’s only ‘fine’.
Your money situation… how’s that going? Do you ‘get by’? ‘Struggle through’? ‘Do your best’?
When things just aren’t quite right, they’re okay but they’re not amazing, it could simply be that you need to reassess and realign. When was the last time, you really, truly sat down and mapped out what you want from your life, what your goals are, what’s on the bucket list, what is a must-do this year? It’s something that we really need to do at least three or four times a year.
Because things change.
Our goals and desires can change in an instant.
Think of it this way: say we’re on a road trip from Paris to Moscow. We set off, knowing that we’re going to Moscow and we need to head east and kind of north. We can do the most detailed plan that we like, but things happen: a bridge breaks, there are roadworks, a river floods, the roads change, we hear about a nice town that’s slightly off our planned route and we want to stop there. We have to keep reassessing our journey constantly, allowing for minor changes all the time. Life & our goals are no different. As different information comes in, we need to make adjustments, change direction slightly, maybe we’ll veer a little off our planned route because some unforeseen opportunity comes up that sounds pretty cool.
When things just don’t fit, it’s a sign that we’re off track. It’s a sign that we need to reassess and realign ourselves. So, whether our life is OKAY, whether it’s FINE, or whether it’s really AWFUL, we need to sit down and write out what we really want and what we believe is stopping us. We need to write out our values, what’s important to us, what we really, truly would like to do/be if there was nothing in our way. We need to write out how we’d feel if we did/were all those things. And reassess our path. Take a look at where we’re heading. And realign as necessary.
That’s your mission for today, if you choose to accept it.
Remember: it’s all about the attitude.
I am so triggered right now
This is not funny, I am supposed to be transformed, goddammit. I am not supposed to get jealous and crabby when I see someone doing well for themselves financially.
But I do.
And I am.
Man, it’s annoying when you think you’ve got a grip on things and suddenly the same old stuff floats to the surface and grabs you by the throat again.
Comparison is a B***H. An absolute B***H.
I was feeling quite good about myself and my life, about what I’m doing and creating. And then I saw it: a Facebook post, about a friend who’s doing very well for herself. I saw her about a year ago and she was in a financial pickle, really struggling and didn’t know what she was going to do. On top of that, she’d just found out she was pregnant. Since I last saw her a year ago, she’s earned approximately $1 million. From nothing.
I am so jealous.
I feel so inadequate, and not good enough, and stupid, and lazy, and foolish, and a waste of space, and basically I can’t justify my existence right now because, you know, she’s earned a million dollars and I haven’t earned anywhere close to that.
I’m not looking for support or comfort here, I’m pointing out what we say to ourselves because I’m not the only one who has these little moments of self-flagellation, am I, hmm? This is what goes through our mind on a regular basis, but what we try to do is PRETEND IT’S NOT HAPPENING! “I’m not doing that, that’s so wrong!” we say to ourselves, and we try to shove it under the carpet and ignore it.
GET THAT B***H OUT AND SHINE A LIGHT ON IT!
We can’t gloss over it. Every time we feel like this, there’s an opportunity for us to grow, but only if we experience those feelings FULLY. We’re never going to move beyond it if we don’t own it. This isn’t about judging it, saying it’s right or wrong or how good or bad we are for feeling that way, it’s just about FULLY EXPERIENCING THOSE FEELINGS. Get right into that feeling, observe – don’t judge, and feel how powerful it is, how much power has gone into the way that you’re feeling. And instead of letting it go and releasing it, RECLAIM the power back into yourself WITHOUT all the negativity attached to it and feel that power coming back into yourself.
When we have a strong negative feeling about something, we’re giving away our power. Think about it: when we feel strongly about something in a positive way, we feel really powerful, right? What we’re trying to do here, is reclaim the power that we’re unconsciously giving away in these negative feelings. The more often we do this, the more power we reclaim and the better we feel.
I’m uplevelling on a massive scale right now, I’m being triggered and challenged left, right and centre. Unsurprisingly, I’ve got the worst cold that I’ve had in YEARS. So, I’m going with all of these feelings, I’m welcoming their appearance and I’m reclaiming my power.
Take a look at what triggers you. My jealousy in this case is because I want to be where she is, and I know that I SHOULD be where she is. I could go into blame, I could go into acceptance but I’m going to EXPERIENCE those horrible, nasty, unworthy thoughts in their disgusting depths and then I’m going to reclaim my power from them.
What can you reclaim your power from right now?
Because, remember: it's all about the attitude!
It’s okay to be you.
It really is.
The Universe/God created just one of you, only one in the entire history of the world, just so that it could experience life through your eyes with your experiences. The Universe doesn’t want you to be anything else. It doesn’t want you to improve yourself, it doesn’t want you to be like anyone else. It just wants you to be you. All you. Wholeheartedly, unreservedly you.
What would that be like?
What would it feel like to not second guess yourself, to not wonder whether you’ve got it right? Because you can’t get it wrong if you’re being you. There might be a lesson to learn but there’s nothing inherently WRONG. That’s just YOU being YOU, right? Anytime you give yourself permission to be you, you give the rest of us permission to be ourselves, too. Anytime you fully accept yourself, with all your flaws, all your faults, all your foibles, all of those wonderful things that you do, you allow the rest of us to do the same thing. Anytime you just fully be you, the Universe gets to experience life as it intended. You not only have PERMISSION from the Universe to be yourself, you have a RESPONSIBILITY to be yourself. Not being yourself is denying the Universe the reason that it created you. Thinking there’s something wrong with yourself that you need to fix is telling the Universe that it got things wrong! I’m definitely guilty of that! Feeling like there’s something wrong with me and there are things I need to sort out before I allow other people to really get to know me or before I allow myself to act from a space of trusting myself.
Having said all that, sometimes I wish I would just shut up and stop trying to put the world and everyone in it to rights! But then, if I did that I wouldn’t be being fully me. Because I DO care, I AM committed to having people experience life from a place that’s completely uninhibited in terms of being themselves, and I WANT to be around REAL people. I think that to some extent or another, we all know who everyone else is and we all know when they’re not being fully themselves. If we’re interested in someone it’s because we’re interested in who they really are underneath everything.
Have a think about this: what would your life look like if you were just fully yourself? How would it be different? What would change? Would your experience of life change? How?
Give yourself permission to just be yourself.
I give you my permission to be fully yourself.
You definitely have permission from the Universe.
Let me know what kind of a difference feeling/being this way would make.
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We’re all so busy. We work every hour we can, we run the kids around, we socialise when we can, we go, go, go. Every waking hour seems crammed full of stuff. Having no time to ourselves, being stressed and overworked has become a status symbol in the Western world. How many of us have said “Oh, I’m so busy, I haven’t had time to think!” and felt kind of proud that we feel that way. It’s as though we’re saying “Look at me, I’m so busy. I’m top of the heap for being busy. And that allows me to justify my existence. What about you? Are you that busy? Can you justify yourself as well as I can? Can you be as good at being busy as I am?”
Photograph: courtesy of Kira O'Connor
Let me say right here that I’m not pointing the finger at anyone other than myself on this. This is EXACTLY how my life goes… or how it went, anyway. But if the shoe fits, if you can relate to this…
It feels like a race, a competition to see who can do the most, be the busiest, feel the most stressed. When I was a teenager, if I did before or after school sports (and I did a lot of them), I made my own way there. I had a horse who was stabled 5 miles away. It was up to me to get there; the only time I got a lift was on Christmas Day when there was a lot going on and it was just get to the stable, feed him, muck out and leave. Apart from that, I either caught the bus or walked. There was no option. Nowadays, most of us wouldn’t DREAM of letting our kids do that: it’s not safe, the kids have too much on, it would be too difficult for them, they need the time to do their homework, meet with their friends, etc. So, we finish work (whether that’s paid work or whether we’re stay-at-home parents) and we spend our evenings and weekends running the kids to their activities.
We cram our lives to the BRIM, doing, doing, doing. We don’t allow ourselves any spare time, spare time must be filled with things, we have responsibilities, we must meet them, we must try harder, we must do better, we must do more, we must do what THAT person is doing because they look like they have it so much more together than we do. We do all this stuff and we PRETEND that we’re ENJOYING it, that we’re living FULFILLED lives, that we LOVE what we’re doing, and we make sure that we LOOK as though we’ve got it all under control while we’re doing all this.
Can anyone else relate to this? This is generally how my life looked and, to the outside world, I looked as though I had it all handled, as though I was happy and fulfilled, cool, calm and collected, like the eternally graceful swan.
And I prided myself on having everyone believe that of me, on having everyone think that I was on top of everything… organised… the perfect parent. For others, it’s the perfect employee, the perfect assistant, the perfect lawyer, the perfect businesswoman, the perfect corporate climber.
The thing is, I CAN do all that, I CAN handle it all and make it look easy. A lot of us do, regardless of the field we choose to do that in, but ask anyone who’s created a lifestyle that they TRULY love, one that inspires them and makes them feel great, and they’ll tell you that 90% of the work in getting what you want from life is IN THE MIND. It’s not in what we do, what we have, how many hours we work or who we know. It’s what we think; being aware of what we think and using our thoughts to create what we want.
Think about this: must of us spend all of our lives doing things. We work our entire lives, doing what we believe we need to DO so that we can be a little richer, a little wealthier, have a few more things, feel a little more comfortable. 95% of the world does this…
…and have 5% of the wealth. We’re the ones who wear our “stressed-out-working-all-hours-don’t-have-time-to-do-anything” badges of honour on our sleeves. We’re Human Doings…
Oh my god, I can’t stop laughing! I know what that means, but whenever I think about “doings”, I think of dog poo. One of my aunts used to say she had to go out and clean up the dog’s “doings”. It’s actually quite appropriate in this context, don’t you think?
Getting right back to our serious conversation… The other 5%? The ones who aren’t Human Doings, they focus on the BEING, on the mind. They spend a large portion of their day taking care of their mind, allowing themselves the space to create, to think, to just be.
10 minutes at the start of each day. 10 minutes focusing on your mind, taking care of it, nurturing it, feeding it, loving it, expanding and growing it. 10 minutes every day. That’s all. 10 minutes to BE, to remind yourself that you’re a Human Being not a Human Doing.
How will you spend your 10 minutes?
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I was in a weekend mastermind, listening to a mindset coach, doing the exercises she’d given us, and that comment came out.
“Like, really?” I thought (yes, I do talk like a teenager in the not-so-quiet recesses of my mind… sometimes I do, anyway), “What’s that about?” The trouble was, it really rang true. If I look at everything I’ve done in business or in life in general, I have this underlying belief that I need someone else in order to make it work, the reason being, I’m not good enough. At least, I’m not at EVERYTHING. That’s not a negative belief, it’s a fact. While I’m good at some things and great at others, I’m not good at EVERYTHING, therefore, I MUST need other people to supplement that and make things work, right? It’s LOGICAL. It’s common sense.
It’s simply the truth.
Photograph: courtesy of Kira O'Connor
But this was interesting; I’d only ever looked at this kind of thing as a negative belief that I somehow needed to let go of before, but then I began to get an inkling of the awful truth: that belief actually had a basis in FACT. We are all incapable of doing everything ourselves and also incapable of doing it all well. That’s the way we’re made, it’s necessary and there’s nothing wrong with that but what I’d done was twisted it round and turned it into a PROOF, total evidence of something. And then I’d used it to PROVE my ‘deficiencies’ to myself.
Ooh, this was interesting!
Where else do we do this? I remember when I felt like a complete failure, and this wasn’t all that long ago. I KNEW, I absolutely KNEW that I hadn’t done the right thing by everybody and I’d let myself and my family down. I KNEW that. So, what if that wasn’t just something I made up to beat myself up? What if there was actually a grain of truth in there and I just used something that I knew to be true and turn it into something else? Because if I did that, then that would make things so much harder to let go of because I would know that it really was the truth, right? I wouldn’t be lying, I wouldn’t be misleading myself, I’d be stating the truth: I HADN’T done enough, I WAS letting everyone down and I KNEW IT. Regardless of the reasons, regardless of how understandable it was (and it was), regardless of how much other people thought my feeling that way was completely reasonable, a small part of me KNEW that I could really do something, something more than what I was doing right now, and I just wasn’t doing it because I was allowing myself to wallow in pity/sadness/whatever rather than do what I knew I could do.
Now, I need to say here that I understand that there are times when we NEED to allow ourselves the space to grieve or recover or whatever, I know that. And I needed to give myself the space for a while. And there comes a point when we KNOW we’ve gone through what we need to go through and now it’s time to move on.
But it’s hard. It’s difficult to do that. It takes courage to move out of this comfort zone that we’ve created for ourselves, the comfort zone where we’re protected and supported and understood. It’s safe there.
There’s a difference in our experience; that’s what we need to recognise. Where once we were sad/upset/anxious for a reason, after a while, we’re like that because we’re USED to feeling that way, not because we actually are that way anymore. Then we’ll find ourselves saying things like “I can’t do this by myself” or “I’m letting people down” and there will be a kernel of truth in them, enough for what we say to feel like they are true but there’ll be a feeling in us, at some level, we’ll know that’s not fully true and we’ll know it to be an excuse. And we’ll probably carry on behaving like that for a while – sometimes a long while – until the pain of being that way goads us into action.
Consider this: when we’re feeling this way, the amount of pain we’re in, the amount of discomfort that we feel, is an indication of how far away from our true selves that we are. There are always times in our lives when we’re in pain for whatever reason, but prolonged pain is usually the result of something we’re doing to ourselves. If we’re in pain, it’s an indicator that we’re not doing what our subconscious knows we’re meant to be doing. The more pain, the further away we are from where we’re meant to be.
How much pain are you in right now? Is it enough pain to draw a line in the sand and say “Enough! I am doing this no more”? When will you be in enough pain? The danger zone is when you’re not quite in enough pain to do anything about it, and most of us live our lives like that, we tolerate things, put up with them: the job that’s okay, the pay cheque that gets us by, the relationship that’s not quite right but, you know, it’s good enough. The pain of those things is not quite enough to get us to change anything, so we go through our lives feeling like we’re being ungrateful or unreasonable, and putting up with stuff because it’s not worth doing anything about it.
If we’re not ecstatic, if we’re not leaping out of bed in the mornings, jumping into life like a 4-year old on holiday, we’re not LIVING our lives, we’re existing. And we’ve been taught that’s okay, that’s how life is. What if it’s not? What if we’re meant to live life fully and joyfully?
And by the way, the moment we find ourselves saying “yeah, but how do I live? I’ve got to survive, I’ve got a family to feed, a mortgage to pay, what am I supposed to do about those?” The moment we find ourselves saying those things is the moment we’re continuing to buy into those stories that have a kernel of truth in them. There is always a way. Just because we can’t see it from where we are now, doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
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I was talking to someone yesterday. She'd done a lot of mindset work, read a lots of books, done seminars and programs, but she was stuck in the same place, unable to move forwards, not knowing what the block is that's stopping her from moving forward. She couldn't understand it, why was nothing sinking in? Why was nothing making a difference? She could see that there was SOMETHING going on but she couldn't work out what, and no matter how much gratitude she reminded herself to feel, no matter how many affirmations she said, no matter what good things happened in her life, she still kept falling back into the old patterns, feeling stifled and trapped.
Here's the thing: our minds are like these big empty rooms. Over the years, as we live, as things happen, we gradually fill them up with more and more 'stuff': experiences, both bad and good, emotions, memories, decisions, meanings, understandings, responsibilities, obligations, duties, expectations.
We end up with so much 'stuff' in there, that there's hardly any room left to move. The only pathways through all this 'stuff' are the old, familiar, well-trodden ones, that allow us to squeeze past familiar landmarks, while making us do certain things in certain ways, and reinforcing certain beliefs. Can you see that might be how it happens? It's all very familiar territory and it constantly reinforces that that's the 'way things are'.
We can do as much mindset work as we want, we can read, learn, watch, attend seminars, do everything, but until we get rid of some of the 'stuff' that's already in our minds, THERE'S NO ROOM FOR ANYTHING NEW TO COME IN, regardless of how much we want to change. We have to get rid of some of the old 'stuff' first.
Does that make sense? Our minds are like huge warehouses that are stuffed FULL, floor to ceiling, with JUNK. And the older we get, the more junk there is in there.
If we want to change things, change our lives, change our beliefs, change our experiences, we have to create the space for something different to occur. Yes, we have to create new pathways, but FIRST we have to clear some of the junk away so there's ROOM to create new pathways. And the best way to create that room is to JOURNAL. To write about it. Not type, not talk, not mull over in meditations, not discuss over coffee with your friends; journal. Personally, my experience is that it's the only way to clean things out; sit down with a pen and paper and get it all out onto the page, and keep going, and going, and going.
I can't remember what the actual scientific facts are, but to our brains, writing is far more powerful than either talking or typing. It's as though writing something down makes our brain feel like it doesn't have to remember something, it doesn't have to keep it in mind anymore, it can forget about it and move on. And the minute it does that, BINGO! We've cleared a little space.
If something keeps coming up for you over and over again, it's because there's something in it that your subconscious wants you to look at. Start writing. Don't judge what you're writing, just write down whatever comes to mind. Clear as much junk as you can.
If we want to change the way things are for ourselves, we need to grab a pen and paper and start writing. Get all of our thoughts out of our head and onto paper so that there's room for new things to go in there, and we can start creating new paths. Until we've cleared out and created some space, we can't create anything new.
If you've already tried this, let me know how you went on and what changed for you. If you haven't done this yet, make a commitment to do it in the comments and tell us when you'll do this, then post and let us know how you go on.
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I love that quote from Yoda. The kids hated it because I used to pull them up about ‘trying’ all the time.
And still do.
“Well, I tried” or “I gave it my best shot” are just excuses - reasons - to give up. Sometimes, we did try and things didn’t work, but if we truly want something, we keep going.
The minute we stop, we fail.
What I’ve found over the years is that we use ‘try’ as an excuse not to fully commit, to test the waters & see how we go, to not play all out.
If we want to change your future, if we want to create financial independence and financial freedom, regardless of where we are now, we need to COMMIT NOT TRY.
We are going to make mistakes, things aren’t going to go as we expect them to, there will be learning curves, things which seem that we’ve failed. But we haven’t failed until we give up.
Just do it.
What can you do today?
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That sounds like a weird question, but it’s not. Surprisingly, succeeding can be as terrifying as failure, particularly around something like being wealthy, getting rich or having lots of money.
Because going from being a normal, ‘poor’, blue- or white-collar worker to being wealthy will change everything.
It will change everything for you and your life, but it will also change who you are for other people. It will change the way they see you and, quite possibly, it will change their whole attitude towards you.
At least, that’s one of the things you might be scared of. It was one of my blocks: I was afraid of being ostracised from my working-class extended family because I was now one of those rich, fat cats who have made their money on the back of the poor, downtrodden workers.
Today’s exercise: journal about what the downsides of being rich are for you, what are the negatives, what are you scared of?
Please share this with us; you never know who it might help.
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Hi! I’m Karen O’Connor, hormonally-challenged, menopausal writer, blogger, self-confessed sarcasm enthusiast, mother of 4, wife of 30 years, destroyer of souls... no, wait, that's just in the mornings...